Gym Etiquette

About 10 months ago I embarked on a serious "get my fat ass in shape" program at my local gym with the help of a trainer.  After months of torture and self-deprivation, I came out the other side with a much more svelte physique and renewed sense of self confidence.  Unfortunately, the reality soon hit me that this was not a one time thing and that if I want to eat food other than egg whites and plain oatmeal then I would literally have to work out 5 or 6 days a week in order to avoid weight gain.  So, I now spend quite a bit of time at the gym, which has really opened my eyes to a new subculture of freaks, roid heads and narcissitic weirdos.  There are a lot of strange people that work out.  Over the past few months, I have developed some basic etiquette rules for people working out at the gym and if these rules were followed, we could all have a much more pleasant exercise experience.  See below.

• Please don't speak loudly into your cyborg phone headpiece while working out.  It's annoying and just because you tell your lame-ass friend on the other end that "I'm working out, girl!", you really aren't.  If you were really working out, you wouldn't even be able to draw enough breath to have that conversation.  So, shut up, girl.

• Guys this is for you.  I know that sometimes you need to adjust your package and there are discreet ways to do so.  Here is what not to do while walking through the middle of the gym:  (i) Don't pull up the bottom of your T-shirt and put it in your mouth thereby exposing your flaccid, hairy stomach, (ii) don't use one hand to pull your shorts several inches away from your body and (iii) don't plunge your opposite hand into your scrotal region and start rummaging around down there. No one needs to see that. 

• Ladies, please put some fucking clothes on.  First, the vast majority of you (including myself) don't look nearly as good as you think you do.  Yes, you have recently lost 15 lbs, so congratulations and all, but when you started out weighing 195 and you're 5'3, it's kind of like a chip off Mount Rushmore.  A t-shirt is needed.  Second, for those of you who do have the figure for it, please keep in mind that you are wearing a sports bra.  The key word being "bra" which means that it does not qualify as a shirt.  Also, chances are you still have cellulite on the back of your thighs so there's no reason to wear shorts so short that your butt cheeks hang out the bottom.  Try to have some dignity, please.  Plenty of men will be looking at you later as you slide down the pole and grind the floor at your evening job. Your mom must be proud.

• Yes, weights can be heavy but if I can hear you groaning from the complete opposite end of the gym over the sound of the shitty techno music coming through the loudspeakers then either you are trying to lift too much weight or you're trying to draw attention to yourself.  Either way, you're an idiot.  The sound of your groaning is not a mating call so don't expect women to come running down there to watch you lift a 50 lb dumbbell. No one cares.

• Finally, don't talk to me.  If I have my headphones on, that should be the universal sign of "fuck off" to you.  If I don't, you should still assume I have no interest in speaking to you.  If I smile and say "good morning" that is not an opening for you to begin telling me about how awesome you are at flag football and how much you can bench press.  It just means I was in a rare good mood and had a fleeting moment of kindness and love towards my fellow man, which you just ruined.

There, I think that sums it up pretty well.